I cannot seem to force myself to sleep at night anymore.  Instead, I’ve been sleeping from around 4pm until midnight or so and staying up all night.  This isn’t a problem at the moment because Bea is still here, but I’m screwed when she goes back to work next month because Lucas is at work during the time I’ve been sleeping.  Unless I fix the schedule thing, which is obviously the plan.  Stress just has me all mixed up the past few months, and it’s taking me awhile to learn to cope appropriately.

So we are still in the middle of the “gathering” stage for the bankruptcy because Lucas and I have both been having severe emotional (and physical in my case) issues.  It bothers me that it’s been fully paid for since September but that we’ve not quite made it to the filing stage.  Right now there are huge questions regarding the possible outcomes with our home, and I don’t want to file until I am 100% certain that we will not be losing it.  We have researched, and this is literally the cheapest place for a family of 5 to live in the area.  We cannot afford anything more, even with the bankruptcy, and our only other option would be moving in with my MIL.  Which would mean Lucas quitting his job, as it’s a 2.5 hour trip one way.  And finding another job in Michigan right now that would pay the $16/hr he makes now plus benefits, no matter how crappy?  We would probably be stuck there at their mercy literally for years, and I think we would all be miserable.  She raised her child and doesn’t need us around 24/7, not to mention that we would depend on them 100% for money because quitting a job means no unemployment.  Ugh.  See the stress?  Anyhow, we absolutely have to get this filed before takes are due to be filed because there is already a legal ruling that a bill collector will get our entire refund if we don’t file first.  We need the money we get back to supplement the bills, especially with the hit we’re taking with the months of garnishment.  Can I just whine for a tiny moment about how difficult it is to make it on $300/week take home pay?  Thank goodness our car is paid off, but we’re still behind on most of our bills and struggling to pay for things as simple as food and diapers.  Again, thank goodness for Bea.  I hope that we are able to find a way to pay her back once the bankruptcy is done and we’re back on our feet.  Sometimes I find it impossible to believe that we were debt-free (other than mortgage and car payment) before we had the girls.  Sure, we had our issues with debt off and on, but we had paid off all credit cards with the small inheritance I received after m Grandmother’s passing.  Medical bills have a way of snowballing, don’t they?  Not that I was perfect, mind you, but at least I can confidently state that Lucas and I didn’t just go out buying whatever junk we wanted to get to this point.  Why am I even over-explaining this?  I suppose I do feel defensive because I was less responsible with money in my early twenties.  And I feel guilty for filing bankruptcy, of course.  But, hey, well over $100k of medical bills (including the cloth diapering supplies that we couldn’t use and the $50/can formula we were forced to use) is something that we have tried to get ahead of but never managed.  I just don’t think it’s possible on less than$30k per year, and Lucas isn’t likely to be able to finish school.  Which means that we have to pay the $55k in student loans on this salary,too.  Ugh.

This is why I haven’t been blogging.  I start talking honestly and it all comes spewing out.  I’m not trying to whine or looking for pity, but I really wanted people to know why I don’t answer calls or return emails or comment on blogs.  I’m just feeling suffocated under a pile of shit that overwhelms me, and I don’t know what to do about it.  Well, that’s not true.  I’m taking it one day at a time and taking baby steps whenever possible.  But I don’t know how to function normally and pretend all is well in the meantime, you know?

Okay, so the dog wants to go outside and I should get myself ready for the girls to get up.  They’ve been up by 7 or 8 since Bea’s been here, so I never quite know when to expect the knocking and announcement that they are up now.  I hope all is well with you guys!  Thank you for reading and sticking by me!

I wanted to write here because I’ve felt unable to say anything via facebook lately. Bea has been here since Christmas, though, and I don’t feel I can sit and use the computer for that long while she sits here wondering what I’m doing.  Also, I’ve spent most of that time convinced that I couldn’t access the blog.  I even posted to twitter like 5 minutes ago about that very thing.  And then I cam here to see which theme I was using, and I realized that I was apparently logged in the entire time.  Oy.  So I opened up a new entry….and my children promptly woke from their nap.  Which is to say that Foxy woke up and the girls stopped playing in their room to tell me that the baby is now awake and I must get him immediately.  Yes, they say immediately.  Little dictators, those two.  So now Bea will be home from the grocery store by the time I get them all settled, and then we’ll be back at square one.  A long way of saying that I’m alive but not updating, don’t you think?  I hope you guys (all two of you, I’m sure!) are doing well with each passing day.  I’ve been terrible about keeping in touch with anyone who doesn’t live in my home for the majority of Fox’s life (nearly 19 months now, can you believe?) and I go ’round and ’round with the guilt of being a crappy friend but feeling bad that I don’t have friends.  Duh.  It makes total sense WHY when you put it that way, of course!  Until later, many blessings.